Admitting Where I Am

This first post, dear readers, is not for you. I am sorry to have to say that, but I realize it is true. You have my permission to stop reading at this point and move to another blog topic of your choosing. In fact, I encourage you to stop reading right now lest you find this post boring and inapplicable to your life causing you to never return to my blog page again. I need the topic of this first blog to specifically focus on my hesitancy to get started. It must become my means of working through my own insecurities by "just doing it" (thanks Nike for the reminder). Because of my personality type, I expect great things from myself and from others. Unfortunately, such high expectations often leave me choosing not to act. Who knows what things I could have accomplished if I had only allowed myself to try. So, I need to wrestle with these internal conundrums before I can really dig into the content that I hope to put on this blog regarding my understanding of and appreciation of the avoidant personality.

Taking time to harness my thoughts and force them to submit to a format that appeals to anyone besides myself feels daunting. I’m plagued with self-doubt based on my underlying fear of never being (or doing) enough. I am acutely aware that posting anything requires awareness of what is going on within and around me, mindfulness of present thoughts and emotions without judgment, and honesty in admitting things about myself that I wish were not true. But mostly, this act of writing and publishing requires vulnerability, which is dragon-breathing-fire-at-you, monster-under-your-bed, wolf-is-about-to-attack scary. My reaction is to hide: “Maybe no one will notice I’m here.” Although most of my life has involved my dealing with such hesitancy, I was not previously aware of the seriousness of my plight; I could not see the danger of my victim mentality. Really seeing the monsters instead of just feeling their presence–and having to admit some of them were also hiding in my fortress with me—places me in an entirely new arena.

But now that I can see more of the beasts and identify them for what they are, I am able to find their weaknesses; I know more about what I’m fighting against. I can also feel my own mental muscles growing stronger with each struggle I choose to engage in. I may be bruised and bleeding a little in the process, but I am learning where my weaknesses lie. I am striving to focus on my strengths, especially when I remind myself that I am made in the image of God (Genesis 1:26-27). Yes, part of this struggle involves really understanding that my self-worth does not come from self at all, nor from how other people perceive me, but from what God says is true about me. I may never be fully cured of my insecurities, but I believe I am ready to take the next step of my journey by being willing to share it with others. Yes, we're going to do this...