Grading Ourselves

For those of us who are Avoidants, we are often accused of being cold-hearted and lacking in empathy.  We are indeed lacking in empathy, but it is likely because we did not experience empathy when we were younger; we didn't see it modeled for us. For those reasons, we were never trained to see the things that can often appear so evident to others, even when those things (including emotions) are right in front of our faces. This admission does not let us off the hook; we are still responsible for identifying this weakness in our lives and working to strengthen it. At the same time, we need the people around us to demonstrate the empathy that we lack and provide examples for us to emulate while explaining their own feelings or struggles. Those who love an avoidant person need to approach that person from a perspective of compassion, seeing what we are lacking and refusing to blame us for the fact that we have so many hurdles we need to overcome. Of course, the rub is that most of us Avoidants have hurt the people we love due to our lack of empathy, so it requires a huge sacrifice from these people we have hurt to be willing to push through that hurt and see us with compassion. This journey requires a willingness to grow on both parts: the Avoidant must accept the truth that something is lacking and we need to learn new ways of thinking. The partner / friend must be willing to overlook previous bad or hurtful behavior. Both require a safe and trusting environment that allows for growth.

Because we Avoidants have trouble seeing, we need a new pair of glasses. Within this conversion of avoidance, the corrective lens is known as attachment. It encourages us to reach out for help instead of always relying on ourselves. It requires that we actively seek feedback regarding the messages we are trying to send and how they are received by others. It is hard, humbling work. But it is worth the effort.

The attachment glasses feel very unfamiliar when we first try them on. We must be patient with ourselves and our loved ones through this introductory phase. But there are some other helpful tools we can incorporate to ease the transition of learning how to feel comfortable wearing these new glasses.

One tool involves learning to be self-compassionate. I can more easily show grace to someone else than I can to myself, so part of my journey has involved learning to give myself the same grace I try so hard to extend to others. Couching my growth within the concept of a journey has also been very helpful, which is where the title "Avoidant Adventures" came from. To help me maintain this journey perspective, I began grading myself. I am not using this phrase in such a way to imply that I assess my actions with an A or B or a failing grade. What I mean is that I assign myself a certain grade level regarding a specific area of growth. This perspective reminds me that I am still a work in progress. I don't have to beat myself up for not being an expert at whatever the skill is. For example, I may realize I am still in kindergarten in the area of my life that requires I look past a person's expressed emotion (such as anger or accusation) and see the softer emotion that drives those surface emotions (like the hurt or embarrassment that would cause a person to react in anger). In other areas of my life, I may have advanced to fifth grade, which allows me to see how far I've come and to feel proud of my hard work. For example, I am learning to become more aware of my own thoughts and feelings, so I can take ownership of them, act and react more appropriately, and approach life's circumstances from a more grounded perspective. Parsing out the various objectives or components of wholehearted living allows me to feel less overwhelmed, which is often a trait of the avoidant. I can identify growth in some areas (those where I find myself in upper grade levels) and not feel like a failure when I realize I'm still in kindergarten in other areas. Because I don't get angry at the kindergartner who can't yet do 5th-grade tasks, I get to see myself in the same light. I get to practice self-compassion, which is a gateway to empathy. And the more I practice, the more habitual such a mindset becomes. Soon enough, I realize I've advanced to 3rd grade. And seeing this growth in action sure does feel good.